When we were "ch*tiyas"...

I was recently reminded of a book I read in the first year of my undergrad- "Of course I love you (till I find someone else)". The book was about the life of a horny engineering student in Delhi, a community that makes up at least 50% of Delhi's male population. The book not only reeked of desperation for social acceptance, it also to some extent glorified the sadhu-culture of India. But the saddest part of it all was that I liked it. So much so, that I even recommended it my friends!

How could I like a book so awful? A book that makes Chetan Bhagat shit look more sophisticated. Was I crazy? Was I possessed? Was I a ch*tiya?

I dug deeper into my memories and found that this wasn't the only thing that made me cringe. I was reminded of the occasion when I sang a Backstreet Boys song in high school. Can you believe it? I, who listens to Porcupine Tree and Tool today, singing "Show me the meaning" as a 16-year old?

What kind of a faggot sings a Backstreet Boys song at the age of 16!

These were not mistakes of my past life. Bowling a last-ball half-volley that was hit for six was a mistake. Watching South Africa chase 434 one day before my Chemistry exam was a mistake. But these! These were conscious choices I made over a long period of time. How could I?

I realized that ever since I became a person aware of his own existence as a human-being (which sadly for me was as late as the age 19), I have suffered from the "KCTM syndrome", where KCTM stands for "Kya Chutiya Tha Main". This ailment makes you constantly think of your past self until you feel so angry that all you can do is lie on the bed and go to sleep (sigh!). It is what causes you to not reply to that friend from high school who made you into a Linkin Park  fan coz all that you would be thinking during that conversation is- kya chutiya tha main.

But then I realized another thing- I would have probably scoffed at my high-school self even in college when, in retrospect, my taste in books was as sophisticated as Donald Trump's taste in women. How do I know the future me wouldn't mock the person I am right now?

Perhaps KCTM is just part of human nature. It is our way of creating a progress report in our heads. Perhaps that's also the reason why we're more likely to justify our present selves compared to our past selves. Maybe it has an evolutionary advantage associated with it. And conversely, perhaps doing the opposite has an evolutionary disadvantage associated with it- if you constantly think of how pathetic you are compared to your past self, you're very much likely to be depressed, a very ominous proposition indeed.

So it looks to me, that the KCTM syndrome is inescapable and not even bad for you. Which indirectly means that the future me is gonna look at this blog and say- kya chutiya tha main.